Not a faker

Had a chat with the 'head honcho autism psychologist' yesterday. Final meeting before my official result, which I'll get on the 12th of July.

She wanted to make sure that there's no severe comorbid stuff going on.

After about 30 minutes, she was like: "I think I've heard enough to complete your file. Your treatment-psychologist says you're having sleepless nights about this results meeting. Do you want to know what the result will be?" 
Me: "Eerh.. hell yeah. I don't like waiting. And I need some sleep."
Her: "Ok. It's a slam dunk, easy peasy, why-did-nobody-catch-this-before, full-on ASD. You are not a faker*, not hypochondriac. And you probably got through a spell of PTSD when younger. You're made if tough stuff, but it's time to allow yourself to get help." 
Me: "OMG. I don't know how I feel now."

*I've been thinking that I was a fake-Autist for the past 6 months or so. Seems like I'm not. Seems like it's real.

Jeez. She poked through my mask of "I'm doing fine" within 30 minutes. Damn. Not sure if I'm happy or sad or both.

Sorry

Sorry, I'm kinda quiet lately. 

I've started the diagnostics for ASD, a good few weeks ago. That takes up way more energy than I ever thought was possible. But, hopefully, I'll have the results of all these tests soon: JULY 12 is the day!

Watch this space! :)

Birthday

I'm 34 now. Not 33 anymore. Because today's my birthday. 

Totally weird, because I know it will take me about 6 months to get used to my new age. 

Also, I got taken out for dinner with my sister and two friends yesterday. It was stressful and it kept me from finding ANY rest in my day, but it was actually really nice. Because it was just a small gathering, it was manageable. And I got a whole lot of cool presents. 

I love you, small sis! <3

Meds - Update #2

A very quick update:

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. We have agreed (not very surprising) that Risperdal is a bad choice for me and that I'm not going to take it anymore. Instead, we are starting a search for a type of medication that agrees with me and will help me sleep and chill out if needed.

Not quite ideal, because I still get over stimulated every day. But it's great to not have killer headaches anymore and I now feel when I need to rest (again).

Also, not related to meds but a statement I need to make:

Street music that is not tuneful should be illegal!

There. Done. Now I'm gonna put up my hammock in the garden and read a book or something. :)

Self-care

Selfcare is difficult for me, I kind of suck at it.
I know that certain things just have to be done, because that is how it is. Eating, drinking, going to the toilet, shower, brushing teeth and taking a rest/sleep. Those are kind of the basics, I guess. Let's have a list. 

- Eating - I do because I have to. I rarely eat because I'm hungry, more often I do because it is 'time to eat'. I have not had lunch in years, so I usually just eat breakfast and dinner. I make a meal plan for dinners and (try to) stick to it. If I did not have a partner who likes variation, I would easily eat the same stuff every week. 
- Drink - I don't get enough fluids. I know this. I have five 'drinking moments' in my day planner, but only have two drinks per day (if at home). I skip the others, because I forget and I seriously do not feel thirsty. I do, however, drink a glass of water during appointments out of the house. I guess I do because that is what I am 'supposed to'. :) 
- Going the toilet - Often forget this too. I don't feel the urge to go, until my stomach is seriously hurts and I realise that I have not 'been' all day.
- Showers - Absolutely crap. Hate with a passion. When I was on Risperdal, I did not shower for a week (!!), just because I did not care. When not on meds, I shower twice (or sometimes three times) per week. I hate everything about it. The water on my skin (or worse: on my scalp), the difference between the warm water and the cold air, the towel (and itchy skin) afterwards... AWFUL! I have made a change that kind of helps, though: I have changed my shower-towels to muslin cloth. It's not as sore and it makes the whole thing less traumatic. 
- Brushing teeth - Nope. I hate the feeling of the toothbrush on my gums, using (soft)picks makes my whole body uncomfortable and toothpaste often tastes gross. So I'm slowly finding solutions. A mega-soft toothbrush and 'tasty' toothpaste (as a 'reward' after a long day) make it less stressful, but I'm not sure about the picks. I have an appointment at the hygienist soon, so hopefully she has some good ideas. 
- Sleep/rest - Sigh. I know I need an hour of 'chill out time' every afternoon, but I skip it out of stubbornness. That makes me over stimulated, which in turn makes my sleep at night less efficient. That then makes that I wake up tired and half wound-up already. I need to learn how to chill out better, in order to not get another burn-out.

Self-care is not my strong suit. At all. :D

Meds - Fail

I feel like I've failed, big time.  

I've only tried Risperdal for a week, at a super low dose, but I'm going to stop taking it already.

Last year, around this time, I was prescribed an antidepressant called Lexapro. My previous psychiatrist said it would stop my panic attacks, but it did not help. At all. My panics got worse and it made me unhappy to be alive. After three days I called the pharmacy, who heard me cry and told me that it would be OK to quit them, if I was not feeling good. My psychiatrist was very angry, because I should have pushed through, but I was not willing to feel suicidal. 


So this year, new psychiatrist and new diagnosis, I've been on Risperdal which is an anti-psychotic medication. I've been doubting about this all week, because the side effects (which should only occur in higher dosis and not last more than a few days) keep being very present. My head is bursting 24/7, I'm extremely grumpy to A., I don't see the joy in anything and I still get over stimulated. The only difference is that I cannot see the over stimulation coming, when taking Risperdal. 


I've explained this feeling to my psychologist yesterday (who says I should say these exact words to my psychiatrist, next week):
Without Risperdal, my world is colourful. It's also noisy and full of (self-made) deadlines. It's stressful, but it keeps me going. Because of these deadlines, I get things done. Even if it's just laundry or taking a shower. :)
With Risperdal, it all looks grey, almost black and white. Obviously I do see colours, but they don't 'hit' me as hard. Sounds appear softer and I don't care about anything. But then, without warning, this grey world changes to a busy fun fair. Neon lights, loads of screaming people, loud shitty music and a voice who keeps repeating: "Get away from here! Go home! Run away!"
Problem: This change happens outside of my house. When I'm on my way to an appointment, in line at the supermarket or whatever. 
Yesterday, that happened while I was in the office of my psychologist. 

What that feels like? Absolute CRAP.
I'd rather feel every single stimulating thing (every noise, every bright light..) so I can estimate how much time I have 'left' before getting panicked, than getting hit by this 'fun fair' in my head. Also, the 'grey version' of the world is boring as hell. 


Anyways (there's that stupid word again): Don't worry too much. I'm trying to take care of myself. But I do firmly dislike that another medication-trial has failed. 

Anyways

I tend to 'adopt' catch phrases from people. It used to be "... and stuff". No idea where I picked that up, but it was dead annoying, because it really does not work in formal conversations. 

Since a few months, I use "anyways" a lot. It serves as a way to end conversations, end certain topics or just totally as filler. 

Anyways, I am sorry. I know it is annoying. I'll pick up a new phrase soon, I'm quite sure. :)